(picked this up on the OCAU forums)
HEY GUYS, I WROTE THIS AWESOME GUIDE ON HOW TO PICK UP!
Y’know, ’cause you’re all dorks and I’m so suave and wicked sick, I’m going to tell you things that you learnt when you were 4!
Don’t forget to shower, or your little man will fall off
Clothes are generally necessary for going outside
Clean your face and hair? yeah, that’s it. Sorry I forgot, I was too busy admiring myself in the mirror.
OK, so once you’re outside, what next? K LYK LOLZ, you can go down the street to the park, the supermarket, the picture theatre, a bar, a club, a pub, a par, a clar, a bub….
Once you’re inside this club (that is if you’ve been let in - the big hunky men at the doors have nerd-detecting powers), what you need to do is find yourself the hottest piece of ass in the room. Approach it. Start talking. Obviously if a little bit of confidence is good, then giant swaggering steps and thrusting and shouting out pickup lines like “what’s the difference between you and me? YOU HAVE CLOTHES LOL”* must be better, right? Right.
* This is my personal pickup line, and it might be a bit complex for you. Use with caution.
OK. If she’s looking at you (even if it’s just for a split second with a rather derisive look in her sexy doe eyes), take the chance. Since you locked eyes you’re definitely soulmates and you should do anything in your power to stop her from going away. Here’s a definitive list that you should follow (I wrote it, so it must be absolutely foolproof):
Throw her car keys at her. She’ll see the PORSCHE keyring that you got for your fourteenth birthday, and be entranced. Likewise she’ll see your fully sick Tarocash knit three-quarter-arm skirt shirt, and that’ll seal the deal.
Launch into a superficial explanation of your life and your greatest financial achievements. Since all women want is money and someone who has it, don’t stop for a second on any dorky hobbies you might have. These hobbies include computers, games, movies, music or anything that isn’t streetracing.
If she’s still straying away, throw your wallet at her. Once her neck recovers from the whiplash such a fat wad will give her (you had the foresight to fill it with newspaper, right?) she’ll know for sure that you’re a true playa.
By now she should be eating out of your hand, or possibly even your lap if you’re a super slick balla like me. Simply get up and walk away, and she will follow you, a complete slave until you want her to leave. Which you will, of course - ideally around 5am, from your room in your parents’ basement.
If all else fails, write her a cheque*. Tie it to a piece of string and trail it from your back pocket. Since every single female out there is a money-grubbing whore, you’ll get every single girl in the room chasing after you. Now just roll yo way out of there and run back to your parents’ house. This run will sort the wheat from the chaff - as anyone who can’t keep up with your fat lumbering man-nerd pace will surely be unsuitable for a night of sticky sweet Mountain Dew love.
* Does not need to be a real cheque. Just write $ $ $ several times on a coaster and show the room.
Hope this helps, nerdlingers. I have to go now, because my latest conquest is waiting for me on my bed made of lithe European female backpackers and South American contortionists.
Ciao, geek-beasts!
From your selfless mentor
Note: this guide was written to a soundtrack of Gold Digger by Kanye West - it’s what all the players listen to.